VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY ABRUPTLY RESIGNS – ADMITS “EMBOLDENING THE ENEMY”, CAUSING HURRICANE KATRINA, HIDING WMDs IN SYRIA

April 1st, 2007

“I had a ‘come to Jesus moment’ “, former Vice President Richard Cheney lamented as he was frog-marched away from the White House in leg irons and powder pink handcuffs by members of the Secret Service, the FBI and mercenary assassins from Blackwater on leave from Iraq. “What the hell was I thinking?!?” the 66 year-old moaned early Palm Sunday morning, “I’m a Satanist, not a Christian”.

Moments earlier, Cheney had run screaming from the building dressed in a black and white french maid’s outfit, carrying an over-sized feather duster and what turned out to be an original, autographed hard back copy of Nabakov’s “Lolita”. “Lord help me! Please, Jesus! I DID give the order in the bunker on September 11th for NORAD to stand down! I did arrange the stolen elections of 2000 and 2004! I SHOT HARRY WHITTINGTON IN THE FACE ON PURPOSE!!!

Cheney had then collapsed face-down into The Reflecting Pool from which he was pulled gasping and choking moments later in what a group of visiting Canadian tourists agreed had to have been the worst, most pathetically futile suicide attempt they had ever attempted to photograph.

Karl Rove emerged from the building moments later with his suit coat tucked into his belt and one of his socks missing. President Bush’s top aide refused to answer any questions except to mumble “Executive Privilege, my ass…” over his shoulder as he scurried away from the pursuing paparazzi.

A man later identified as former White House press corp member James Dale Guckert, aka ‘Jeff Gannon’, was pointed out to the Park Police a short while later by members of the press apparently hiding under a shrub dressed in a zippered black latex body-suit. After showing his top security clearance i.d. badge labeled” “Staff Head”, he begged to have the police re-cuff him as he was escorted by the authorities to Rove’s waiting Hummer.

In a hastily called press conference on the dying grass in the Constitutional Gardens moments later, White House spokesperson Tony Snow dismissed the day’s events, saying “The situation is overblown. There is no ‘there there’ here or anywhere for anyone to care or dare to venture a guess as to why or how anyone could presume to assume as to the whereabouts or wherewithal of the individuals named, unnamed or otherwise involved, not involved or wishing they had gotten an invitation to the party, or any political party, which may or may not have had invitations printed, not printed, sent, not sent, received or not received. It is highly unlikely that the President will allow any subpoenas to be honored by his staff. Next Question?”

President Bush, on vacation at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, was informed of the events in Washington just as he was pushing away from the table at a casual lunch with embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, former White House staffer and convicted felon I. Lewis ‘Scooter’ Libby, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and long-time family friend and occasional neighbor, ‘Peace Mom’ Cindy Sheehan.

“Pardon?”, the President responded, incredulously, his eyes blinking rapidly and his jaw dropping open upon hearing the news. Libby and Gonzales, simultaneously dropping their forks and napkins, replied in unison: “Please!”.

Ms. Sheehan seemed not to be distracted nor surprised by this scandal ‘du jour’. “Pass the… mmmmmm peach mints.”

Madame Speaker Pelosi, noting that they weren’t within reach, graciously called to Rep. John Conyers, Jr. (D-MI), who President Bush had also invited, but mistakenly kept referring to as being “in the minority” and had set a separate but equal table for, to honor citizen Sheehan’s request and put them back on the table where they belonged.